On Thursday, Professor Kelley elaborated on her expectations for our essays. I was already pretty sure that the topic of "preforming the self" would be of the most interest to me. It was left very open as to how we could interpret the topics, but Professor Kelley gave Joyce Wieland as an example of a good artist to to do for the topic I had chosen.
I immediately had the thought that I didn't want to do that--that I would find someone else to do my essay on. Later, as I found myself unable to think of anyone I thought I would rather write about for the topic, I returned to Joyce Wieland. I agreed that she would probably be a good subject for the paper, but for some reason I felt strongly that I didn't want to write about her; It was not because I didn't admire or appreciate her work. I had to ask myself, why did I feel such a strong aversion to writing my "preforming the self" essay on this particular artist.
Upon further reflection--much of which was done on a long car ride, where I think best--I realized why I most likely feel this way; we learned in class about a few of Joyce Wieland's struggles, and how she split up from Micheal Snow, never having been able to have a child, with him re-marrying and having a kid with his new wife, and then how she suffered from Alzheimer's.
I feel guilty about thinking so much on these aspects of her story, because I often find myself getting annoyed that women writer's, artists, etc. are too sometimes judged more by their personal lives then by their body of work, and I certainly do not want to perpetuate that.
I wouldn't be surprised if that feeling of not wanting to study Wieland's self-portraits has something to do with the fact that all those things that happened to her are things that I am afraid of happening to me, and I'm probably not alone in this.
This is why I have chosen to research Joyce Wieland for my "preforming the self" essay. I think about what a self portrait is, and what I am doing when I make a self-portrait. I wonder about the function of Wieland's self portraits; are they ways of re-interpreting her identity in the wake of struggle and loss, a way of facing the effects those things have had on her, a little of both, or something completely different. Anyhow, if Joyce Wieland was able to face herself enough to paint a self-portrait, then I better well be able to--and I think that I might learn a thing or two.
I immediately had the thought that I didn't want to do that--that I would find someone else to do my essay on. Later, as I found myself unable to think of anyone I thought I would rather write about for the topic, I returned to Joyce Wieland. I agreed that she would probably be a good subject for the paper, but for some reason I felt strongly that I didn't want to write about her; It was not because I didn't admire or appreciate her work. I had to ask myself, why did I feel such a strong aversion to writing my "preforming the self" essay on this particular artist.
Upon further reflection--much of which was done on a long car ride, where I think best--I realized why I most likely feel this way; we learned in class about a few of Joyce Wieland's struggles, and how she split up from Micheal Snow, never having been able to have a child, with him re-marrying and having a kid with his new wife, and then how she suffered from Alzheimer's. I feel guilty about thinking so much on these aspects of her story, because I often find myself getting annoyed that women writer's, artists, etc. are too sometimes judged more by their personal lives then by their body of work, and I certainly do not want to perpetuate that.
I wouldn't be surprised if that feeling of not wanting to study Wieland's self-portraits has something to do with the fact that all those things that happened to her are things that I am afraid of happening to me, and I'm probably not alone in this.
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